I think many of us cruise through life unaware of or take for granted the salient importance of feeling relevant and what a major difference it makes in our well being. It increases our self worth and motivation. This leads to higher self esteem. In addition, it reduces the risk of severe depression and anxiety.
Years ago, in my 30 year old “know it all, I don’t need anyone phase” my dear friend, Mark Stone and I would have these philosophical conversations about needing versus wanting people in our lives. Mark was firmly planted in the healthy realization that we needed each other. I was stubbornly wed to we want people in our lives, we don’t need them. I said to him: “I don’t need you in my life, I want you in my life. We need food, shelter air and water.” He said: “Amy, I disagree with you, I need you in my life.” We never saw eye to eye on this and perhaps, that is why we lost touch with each other. I sent the very strong signal to him that he wasn’t relevant, but he was and I didn’t do a good job of articulating how important his friendship was to me. I didn’t create the experience of mattering in our friendship.
Studies show mattering has three components:
Attention — the realization that others notice us and that they’re interested in what’s going on in our lives
Importance — the perception that others care about us and see us as uniquely significant and important
Dependence — the feeling that someone else relies on us, that we are needed
Feeling significant in the world and feeling that we matter is found to increase seratonin levels that influence our overall mood. Feeling significant also lowers anxiety. A sense of purpose and belonging is associated with increased dopamine, seratonin and oxytocin. These three are known as the “happiness trifecta.” The depression and anxiety rate in our culture is exponentially high. It is evident, to me that a high percentage of our population is wandering around trying to find their place, their relevance. Our work places and institutions are filled with people who don’t feel relevant. We need to get better at noticing people, communicating their significance and demonstrate to each other how much we truly need them. I completely understand. I have been going through a relevance crisis. I have surrounded myself with very capable and talented people. I dont’ really need to be at the restaurant. It operates just fine without me. I often joke about being just a figurehead . There is some truth to that statement. I am trying to find my place at my place. However, I not only want to be there, I need to be there. I want to give and receive those important interactions that nurture what matters. My hope is that I don’t fall short of letting all of you with whom I come in contact know how relevant you are to me.
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